someday.

Published August 8, 2011 by whitey1123

So here’s the long story short version…my mom left my brother & I when we were kids, and pretty much distanced herself away from us as far as she could.  I have pretty much struggled my entire life trying to have some sort of relationship with her, only to be left out, left behind, abandoned and forgotten about.  And so one day, I decided enough is enough, and basically cut her out of my life so that I could start having one.  No one deserves to feel like that, especially when it’s their own mother, so I have to admit it’s been a relief to not choose to deal with the anger and the pain on regular basis.  However, my mother has continued to have a relationship with my brother, which of course, is their choice, and I am not so horrible of a person to keep my brother from that relationship.  But I cannot pretend that it doesn’t hurt that he gets everything from her that I had hoped and dreamed of my entire life.  That hurts like hell.  And unless you yourself have experienced it, whether its your mom and dad, you really have no idea, and there’s no words to describe it.

On that note, my brother and I are close.  He knows how I feel and has always wished things were different between us.  And just last week, he went down to visit her.  She has holed herself up with her 2nd husband and his family down in the woods of middle-of-nowhere West Virginia.  My brother’s been down there several times; I’ve never been.  So being that my stepdad’s family is all down that way, of course, they decide to have a “family reunion” of sorts, and when I heard that, man was that a slap in the face.  Apparently everyone asked about me…obviously no one is interested in finding out about the drama behind our relationship, but they asked.  And regardless, I felt so forgotten about.  So left out.  So much like a piece of shit, and it’s so obvious to me it’s not worth feeling all those things, but it’s like all the feelings just came pouring out all over again.  As always, my mother asked about me.  Funny, how she’s so “scared” of talking to me.  She doesn’t call, she doesn’t write, she doesn’t visit, ignores my birthday and all major holidays, which you would think at least deserves some recognition.  Aaaaaand nothing.  But this doesn’t surprise me anymore.  So my brother and I got talking about his visit, and I couldn’t help but admit knowing he was there bothered me.  And so he wants to be a mediator of sorts between us.  Which is fine, but I refuse to have a relationship with someone I cannot depend on.  Being the child, you would think we wouldn’t have to force our own mothers to have relationships, or at least conversations with us.  Go figure.  She says she’s scared of me flipping out on her and the easy route for her is doing nothing and she has no desire to change that.  So why should I bother?  And shouldn’t I be expected to be mad?  I mean seriously, as far as I’m concerned we’re strangers, and with everything that’s happened, it would only make sense that she’d have to break down that giant “wall.”  With all the broken promises and commitments not kept, why would I expect anything to change?  Maybe it won’t, so you can guarantee my hopes won’t go up.  As far as she’s concerned, I’m expecting disappointment, and I’d be fine with it.

People say you form a habit after doing something for about a month straight.  My mother hasn’t lasted a week without breaking a promise or keeping her word.  So not only should I not bother believing she can change, who’s to say she even wants to?  What reasons could she possibly have, what motivation exists for her to want to change?  She’s proven to me over the years I wasn’t worth keeping tabs on, or getting to know, or keeping in touch with by any means, so why am I or would I be worth it now?  Am I open to a relationship with her? Maybe.  She’s lucky she hasn’t missed major milestones I guess….no marriage or kids yet…not to say I haven’t done anything else important in my life.  I was lucky my dad remarried, so I’ve had a mother figure growing up…so it’s not like at this point that I need a new mother.  So what does that make her, a friend?  That concept seems so bizarre to me.  As it should, I guess, but still.  All I do know is that, sooner or later, she’s gonna end up alone, and I don’t want to feel obligated to be there when she realizes, maybe, that she finally needs me.  I wouldn’t take care of someone out of obligation.  What kind of relationship is that?…nonexistent?  My gut tells me I’ll be waiting for a long time before she attempts to make a move.  I know I’m all out of those….I refuse for the ball to be in anyone’s court but her’s, so I’ll guess I’ll see.  Someday.

Someday, when I’m older
And they never know my name
Somehow, if I’m honest
I can never feel ashamed
Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I’ve lost you
To the feelings I kept inside

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

Someday, when it’s over
And you never show your face
I hope you’ll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I’ve failed you
But I just ran out of time

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

I’m not sure that you hear me
I’m not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I’m never gonna feel the same

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time
No, you never took the time

Someday, when I’m older…

 

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