I’ve been waiting all summer for a good thunderstorm. Every time I think it might happen, the thunder rolls through for about a minute and then it’s gone. So disappointing. And I’ve never understood why thunder & lightening scares people. I love watching thunderstorms, and I love falling asleep to thunderstorms even more.
For a couple weeks now, I have been attempting to forget my ex completely because after way too long, I realized that it’s impossible to even be friends with him. Not to mention the fact that he’s not worth wasting time trying to be friends. So instead of dealing with him personally, his friends keep popping up. Whether it’s running into them at the bar, where they tell me wayyyyyy too personal information, which, by the way, I didn’t ask to hear about. I really would have been okay with a “Hey, how are you?” or “What’s up, see ya later.” Apparently that’s asking too much. Or, they stalk me on facebook, which just gets obnoxious. It’s like the world doesn’t want me to forget him. And why do his friends, who I only know through him, and have NOT continued a relationship with since our breakup, want anything to do with me? One of his friends already tried taking advantage of me last summer, where us being friendly and hanging out a time or 2, and not always alone, got turned into a bunch of rumors that were completely untrue. So that turned out as expected, with me cutting off all ties and my ex lecturing me.
I want so much to stop loving, caring, and missing him so much. It was one of those relationships that had a lot of ups and downs, but we were together for almost 4 years. He broke my heart and I ended it, but my heart and my head just can’t forget him. And trust me, I’ve gone over it millions of times. He’s worthless, he’s a mess (literally, figuratively, emotionally, mentally, financially, and in life as a whole), and was never someone who deserved me in the least. The last time we talked, I told him to not call me, not text me, no communication whatsoever. As much as it sucked, I knew cutting off all ties was the only way I was truly going to be able to move on. Guess my relationship with my mother taught me that much. But I have to admit, after the latest facebook stalking, I did email him to ask him to tell his friends to leave me alone. Supposedly he’s gonna do something about it. We’ll see I guess. It was torture to even read his emails back, but I’m just deleting and forgetting. At least attempting to do that anyways. Part of me is hating even talking about this, like it’s defeating the purpose of this whole “erasing of my mind.” But maybe it’s talking about it that will let me forget, or at least help to drain what’s left of him in my head and my heart. I guess that’s what I’ll keep hoping with every time that I write.
Is it bad that I keep thinking that being with someone else will make me forget him once and for all? Wouldn’t that just be easier? It would give me someone to concentrate on, a RELATIONSHIP to concentrate on, moving forward with my life…all positive things. It’s weird though, because I think for a second that I’d like a boyfriend/relationship, and everything that goes along with it, and then I remember what that means. Not that I would give up all of my independence, but I’d have to give up some of it. I can’t pretend it wouldn’t be nice to have someone to call after a good day, or even a bad one….have someone to cuddle with on the couch, in bed, someone to just go grocery shopping with. It would be nice to show up to family functions not alone. Someone who can enjoy the family beach house with me. Someone who wants to include me in their life just as much as in my own.
So here I am boo-hooing about stupid boys, watching a rom-com, getting myself more depressed…and on that note, it’s wayyyyyy past my bedtime.