keep on keepin’ on

Published September 27, 2011 by whitey1123

it’s been wayyyyyyy too long since i’ve written here.  i don’t feel like anything’s happened to me lately worth writing about, but i have to say, this week, i’ve been asked so many more times than I normally am about whether or not i’m single, have kids, etc.  and while i’m able to pull off a strong front when i’m put on the spot, i wish i could say i fully believe in my answer….i keep saying that i’ve kinda given up on “looking for that guy”, and that i’m focusing on my career (which i am), and taking care of myself (which i’ve kinda been sucking at), and that it will all just happen when it supposed to happen. and apparently everyone is either agreeing with me to make me feel better about being such a loser, lol, or they legitimately think that’s what i should be doing.  but am i supposed to feel comfortable leaving my entire future up to “fate/destiny”?  i haven’t lost faith in either in general, but maybe it’s too much optimism for my own life.

my brother has shown me up on a lot of things in life…both in college and length of relationships.  i love him dearly, but being that he’s younger than me and has had a long term gf for as long as i can remember just has the ability to make me feel like even more of an epic failure.  although i will say, the issues that he has in that relationship is much, much more than i’d be willing to put up with at this point in my life.

before anyone asks again, yes i’ve attempted online dating.  yes a possibly (at one point) meaningful relationship did come out of it, for a few months, but it didn’t work out for reasons i’d rather not get into.  so on other attempts, where i met complete psychos, who harassed me to no end until they were blocked (online and thru my cell phone provider), called me every name in the book for simply deciding i wasn’t interested, changing their minds minute-to-minute about whether they loved me or hated me (only after having known me for a few weeks), threatening to get me fired from my job, oh, and “made” one of them total their car because they were so angry with me.  i am not sorry, you psychos! and henceforth, i will never again attempt online dating.  you couldn’t pay me to try that shit again.

so then, how the hell am i supposed to meet someone?  apparently online is the way to go, but that’s not happening. and i have so little of an active social life between my 2 jobs that i feel like it’s totally impossible.  but yet i know i’m supposed to be freakin positive.  ugh. i’m aggravated about my optimism right now.

maybe i just need to put what i want out to the universe…so here goes.

i want a MAN! is that so hard?!?!  i fully believe and agree with a statement made to me today…they just don’t make ’em like they used to.  so…here i go, “just keep truckin”-as my grandma always said 😉

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