bored randomness.

Published August 30, 2011 by whitey1123

not feeling very inspired lately to write about much.  still crossing my fingers that zelda comes home…i miss her like crazy.  frustrated with a lot of things and not sure what to do about most of them.  it’s the end of august, so that means nys fair time…but i can’t really say it was all that enjoyable.  certainly nothing special happened that was worth reliving or talking about.  man, do i sound pessimistic.  guess that’s how i’m feeling about things lately.  sick of being alone.  sick of struggling.  sick of ______. the list could go on.  i’m watching anthony bourdain as a pig is butchered…i understand why people become vegetarians after watching shit like this.  i keep thinking lately about moving. far away from all of this.  but would it really be better?  most likely not.  i’d be leaving the support of family.  that alone would be hard.  i’d miss my little sister.  i feel like i missed enough of her growing up.  but when is it ever a good time to move away from the people you care about?  there’s never a good or convenient time for that.

anddd……that’s all i got.

 

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lonely.

Published August 22, 2011 by whitey1123

My cat, Zelda, has been missing since Wednesday night.  It breaks my heart to not have her to cuddle with on the couch, or go to sleep with at night, or greet me at the door when I walk in.  And I have no idea if I’ll ever see her again.  She broke out of the window and ran after another cat, and I heard them fighting.  So I have no clue if she’s hurt, or where she ended up.  We’ve been looking for her every night and day…I put up some flyers today, and hopefully more tomorrow.  Gotta call all the local vets or maybe drive around with flyers for each office.  I’m so lost without her.  She was my little shadow, followed me around everywhere I went.  Loved to sit with me and lick me like a dog…lol.  I’m trying not to feel at all hopeless, but every day that goes by and she’s still not there, I just feel more and more sad and helpless.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better knowing I can help another cat and adopt, but there’s no way it could replace Zelda.  I feel like a jerk even thinking about that, but I’m trying to be realistic I guess.  And maybe this is how Zelda was supposed to leave…since she was a stray when we found her.  She walked in, and now she walked out.  I just didn’t think this day would come so soon.  I’ve had her for maybe at least 4 years now, and I know I love her, and I know she knows I love her, but I don’t wanna let go.  So anyone out there who can say an extra prayer, or think an extra good thought, or keep their fingers crossed…I would appreciate it.  Hopefully I can update this soon with better news….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

silly kitty. i miss you. please come back. ♥

 

 

hungry.

Published August 17, 2011 by whitey1123

In an industry like mine, the only ones that get anywhere are the ones who are hungry for more.  There’s a reason why people know who I’m talking about when I mention Vidal Sassoon, Nick Arrojo, Ted Gibson, Martin Parsons, Anthony Mascolo, Kris Sorbie, Tabatha Coffey…and maybe someday my name can be a household name too.  And some days, that seems more realistic than others.  I wonder sometimes that if I had been able to do what I had originally planned for myself, I’d be further along in my career and where I want to be.  My parents took me to a college fair when I was in my sophomore year.  Being a good student, they wanted to jump on getting me to think about college and what I wanted to do with my life.  I can still remember the first time I saw the Aveda booth.  For those who don’t know, Aveda is a big name in the beauty industry, and they’re dedicated towards being more natural and earth/people friendly.  I was so excited and couldn’t wait to go check it out.  Looking back, I know it would have been an amazing opportunity.  Not only would I have had the chance to live in NYC, but going to their institute would have helped me put my foot in the door in a completely different way.  The way the salon industry works in upstate NY is a little, okay, a lot different and slow, more or less.  Aveda would have helped open so many doors for me.  And the environment in NYC would have opened so many doors for me.

I feel stuck some days.  While I love what I do, I’m so limited in some ways.  When you start out in NYC, you start at the complete bottom of the barrel.  You do all the grunt work and the hard work and the stuff no one else wants to do, but everyone has done it to climb that ladder and appreciate the view.  Sure, I started out as an assistant at a private salon, worked my ass off for almost a year, and ended up being such a good assistant, maybe too good, and my bosses couldn’t afford to move me up as they should have (since I earned it).  Apparently they could afford to lose me, because I quit and moved on.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed, but I appreciated the experience, learned a lot, and gained so much confidence that, in my opinion, shines through every time I do hair in my own chair now.  Granted, I ended up going corporate.  Maybe that makes me a sellout.  Maybe it doesn’t.  I know that I’ve been there almost a year and a half now, but I don’t wanna be a lifer.  I want to learn and keep learning, I want to experience as much as I can, and move on to bigger and better things.  Even if that means I have to go back to being an assistant somewhere, so be it.  I wanna do movie star hair! B)

listen to your soul.

do what you LOVE ♥

your destiny is waiting…

“Don’t ever feel like it is too late to pursue your dreams. With passion and dedication you can achieve anything.” -Tabatha Coffey

overtired.

Published August 15, 2011 by whitey1123

I can’t remember the last night that I slept well.  Even my excedrin-pm-induced Saturday night with the added bonus of Lake Ontario waves wasn’t a completely restful night.  And I usually ALWAYS sleep well on those kind of nights.  I am normally a night owl, but I’ve been having a harder and harder time getting myself to bed, and it’s not like I’m getting wrapped up in some stupid movie or tv show I’ve seen a million times.  I even try to read, to get myself to relax enough, instead of making myself fall asleep to a movie, which apparently does more harm to a good night’s sleep than good.  But lately, I just keep reading and reading until I’m already 2 hours late (or more) in attempting sleep.  Last night I got about 4 hours sleep.  Maybe.  And then passed out again this afternoon for a couple hours.  I mean, I’m glad at least that my work schedule allows time for naps, haha.  I feel sick to my stomach too, which I hate, but maybe I’m having sympathy pains for my pregnant cousin.  Makes me wonder if I could deal with the first trimester of pregnancy. I’m gonna be miserable when that day comes.

Oh, what a gray and hopeless day
I’ve got a worried mind
The sun’s behind the clouds again
And so am I
I ask the sky
Tell me which way to go, how will I know to shine again?

grateful.

Published August 13, 2011 by whitey1123

Kinda been out of it/unsure of what to write lately, so I’m sure this post will kinda be all over the place.  I’ve been feeling lately like people only want me around when they want something.  Obviously when you have a job like doing hair, everyone and their mother wants a deal or an appointment.  And while I love what I do, I don’t love having to do it after a full day at the salon or worse, on my days off, which are few and far between lately with everything going on.  Maybe it’s partly my fault, since I used to offer to do so much for free, and a) I can’t afford to do that anymore and 2) I very rarely say no.  Saying no has definitely been something I’m working on more and more…but its hard when I have no reason basically not to say no.  I have no one to go home to, no one I need to share my time with, so it’s like I’m better off just keeping myself as busy as possible.  And obviously if I’m getting paid for my time, I can’t really afford to say no.

But I will say…I get such an amazing feeling from making people happy and feel good about themselves.  Definitely the gift that keeps on giving.  Makes me remember how much I love what I do.  I’m so grateful for that.  I’ve been lucky enough to meet so many amazing people through this career.  I think the most memorable is a current client, an 84 year old woman who has invited me to her house and had me for dinner.  She’s like the little Italian grandmother I’ve always wanted.  She came off at first as such a prim and proper woman, only to cuss almost as much as I do.  I’ve known her maybe for a couple months, and she treats me like a member of the family.  It’s amazing.  I hope that our relationship continues, because it definitely refreshes me and makes my day every time she walks in the door.  Her son, Bobby is disabled, after an accident a long time ago, and lives with her, so they often come together.  He is so kind and such a happy-go-lucky person regardless of the disappointments and letdowns in his life.  He is also amazing.  Always has a smile on his face, and also treats me just like family.

So many people think I’m crazy for making such a crazy switch in careers…but it’s the one move I would never and could never regret….

thunder and rain.

Published August 10, 2011 by whitey1123

I’ve been waiting all summer for a good thunderstorm.   Every time I think it might happen, the thunder rolls through for about a minute and then it’s gone.  So disappointing.  And I’ve never understood why thunder & lightening scares people.  I love watching thunderstorms, and I love falling asleep to thunderstorms even more.

For a couple weeks now, I have been attempting to forget my ex completely because after way too long, I realized that it’s impossible to even be friends with him.  Not to mention the fact that he’s not worth wasting time trying to be friends.  So instead of dealing with him personally, his friends keep popping up.  Whether it’s running into them at the bar, where they tell me wayyyyyy too personal information, which, by the way, I didn’t ask to hear about.  I really would have been okay with a “Hey, how are you?” or “What’s up, see ya later.”  Apparently that’s asking too much.  Or, they stalk me on facebook, which just gets obnoxious.  It’s like the world doesn’t want me to forget him.  And why do his friends, who I only know through him, and have NOT continued a relationship with since our breakup, want anything to do with me?  One of his friends already tried taking advantage of me last summer, where us being friendly and hanging out a time or 2, and not always alone, got turned into a bunch of rumors that were completely untrue.  So that turned out as expected, with me cutting off all ties and my ex lecturing me.

I want so much to stop loving, caring, and missing him so much.  It was one of those relationships that had a lot of ups and downs, but we were together for almost 4 years.  He broke my heart and I ended it, but my heart and my head just can’t forget him.  And trust me, I’ve gone over it millions of times.  He’s worthless, he’s a mess (literally, figuratively, emotionally, mentally, financially, and in life as a whole), and was never someone who deserved me in the least.  The last time we talked, I told him to not call me, not text me, no communication whatsoever.  As much as it sucked, I knew cutting off all ties was the only way I was truly going to be able to move on.  Guess my relationship with my mother taught me that much.  But I have to admit, after the latest facebook stalking, I did email him to ask him to tell his friends to leave me alone.  Supposedly he’s gonna do something about it. We’ll see I guess. It was torture to even read his emails back, but I’m just deleting and forgetting.  At least attempting to do that anyways.  Part of me is hating even talking about this, like it’s defeating the purpose of this whole “erasing of my mind.”  But maybe it’s talking about it that will let me forget, or at least help to drain what’s left of him in my head and my heart.  I guess that’s what I’ll keep hoping with every time that I write.

Is it bad that I keep thinking that being with someone else will make me forget him once and for all?  Wouldn’t that just be easier?  It would give me someone to concentrate on, a RELATIONSHIP to concentrate on, moving forward with my life…all positive things.  It’s weird though, because I think for a second that I’d like a boyfriend/relationship, and everything that goes along with it, and then I remember what that means.  Not that I would give up all of my independence, but I’d have to give up some of it.  I can’t pretend it wouldn’t be nice to have someone to call after a good day, or even a bad one….have someone to cuddle with on the couch, in bed, someone to just go grocery shopping with.  It would be nice to show up to family functions not alone.  Someone who can enjoy the family beach house with me.  Someone who wants to include me in their life just as much as in my own.

So here I am boo-hooing about stupid boys, watching a rom-com, getting myself more depressed…and on that note, it’s wayyyyyy past my bedtime.

someday.

Published August 8, 2011 by whitey1123

So here’s the long story short version…my mom left my brother & I when we were kids, and pretty much distanced herself away from us as far as she could.  I have pretty much struggled my entire life trying to have some sort of relationship with her, only to be left out, left behind, abandoned and forgotten about.  And so one day, I decided enough is enough, and basically cut her out of my life so that I could start having one.  No one deserves to feel like that, especially when it’s their own mother, so I have to admit it’s been a relief to not choose to deal with the anger and the pain on regular basis.  However, my mother has continued to have a relationship with my brother, which of course, is their choice, and I am not so horrible of a person to keep my brother from that relationship.  But I cannot pretend that it doesn’t hurt that he gets everything from her that I had hoped and dreamed of my entire life.  That hurts like hell.  And unless you yourself have experienced it, whether its your mom and dad, you really have no idea, and there’s no words to describe it.

On that note, my brother and I are close.  He knows how I feel and has always wished things were different between us.  And just last week, he went down to visit her.  She has holed herself up with her 2nd husband and his family down in the woods of middle-of-nowhere West Virginia.  My brother’s been down there several times; I’ve never been.  So being that my stepdad’s family is all down that way, of course, they decide to have a “family reunion” of sorts, and when I heard that, man was that a slap in the face.  Apparently everyone asked about me…obviously no one is interested in finding out about the drama behind our relationship, but they asked.  And regardless, I felt so forgotten about.  So left out.  So much like a piece of shit, and it’s so obvious to me it’s not worth feeling all those things, but it’s like all the feelings just came pouring out all over again.  As always, my mother asked about me.  Funny, how she’s so “scared” of talking to me.  She doesn’t call, she doesn’t write, she doesn’t visit, ignores my birthday and all major holidays, which you would think at least deserves some recognition.  Aaaaaand nothing.  But this doesn’t surprise me anymore.  So my brother and I got talking about his visit, and I couldn’t help but admit knowing he was there bothered me.  And so he wants to be a mediator of sorts between us.  Which is fine, but I refuse to have a relationship with someone I cannot depend on.  Being the child, you would think we wouldn’t have to force our own mothers to have relationships, or at least conversations with us.  Go figure.  She says she’s scared of me flipping out on her and the easy route for her is doing nothing and she has no desire to change that.  So why should I bother?  And shouldn’t I be expected to be mad?  I mean seriously, as far as I’m concerned we’re strangers, and with everything that’s happened, it would only make sense that she’d have to break down that giant “wall.”  With all the broken promises and commitments not kept, why would I expect anything to change?  Maybe it won’t, so you can guarantee my hopes won’t go up.  As far as she’s concerned, I’m expecting disappointment, and I’d be fine with it.

People say you form a habit after doing something for about a month straight.  My mother hasn’t lasted a week without breaking a promise or keeping her word.  So not only should I not bother believing she can change, who’s to say she even wants to?  What reasons could she possibly have, what motivation exists for her to want to change?  She’s proven to me over the years I wasn’t worth keeping tabs on, or getting to know, or keeping in touch with by any means, so why am I or would I be worth it now?  Am I open to a relationship with her? Maybe.  She’s lucky she hasn’t missed major milestones I guess….no marriage or kids yet…not to say I haven’t done anything else important in my life.  I was lucky my dad remarried, so I’ve had a mother figure growing up…so it’s not like at this point that I need a new mother.  So what does that make her, a friend?  That concept seems so bizarre to me.  As it should, I guess, but still.  All I do know is that, sooner or later, she’s gonna end up alone, and I don’t want to feel obligated to be there when she realizes, maybe, that she finally needs me.  I wouldn’t take care of someone out of obligation.  What kind of relationship is that?…nonexistent?  My gut tells me I’ll be waiting for a long time before she attempts to make a move.  I know I’m all out of those….I refuse for the ball to be in anyone’s court but her’s, so I’ll guess I’ll see.  Someday.

Someday, when I’m older
And they never know my name
Somehow, if I’m honest
I can never feel ashamed
Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I’ve lost you
To the feelings I kept inside

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

Someday, when it’s over
And you never show your face
I hope you’ll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I’ve failed you
But I just ran out of time

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

I’m not sure that you hear me
I’m not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I’m never gonna feel the same

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time
No, you never took the time

Someday, when I’m older…